While You Were Sleeping

These very pants. Pictured on me, of course.

Saturday night my dinner decided to recycle itself onto my bedroom carpet. I spent the next 48 hours in a semi-coma, hallucinating something about a football game, beer, horses, and puppies eating Doritos in a Kia. When I started to come to Monday night, I stepped outside in my Coke pajamas and someone yelled at me that I’m not a real American. By Tuesday afternoon I finally got to the doctor, who told me to not eat junk food. I turned on the TV and heard that 120 million Americans are under a winter storm warning Tuesday night, which is 8.5 million more than watched that football game. Then I realized that if I can do that math in my head, I must be coming back to my senses. Once back to my senses, I knew that I had not delivered a promised post on Sunday to my 4.5 dedicated readers. Working on it, folks. For now, I’m going to celebrate keeping down two bowls of chicken soup today and not using the word “So” once in this post.